My Friends Are All Leaving The Church, What Do I Do?!

Jack.

“Uh…Matt?”

My wife only says my name like that when something's up.

Peeling my eyes away from my computer I turned my head to see her holding her phone facing out. Backlit by the white borders of Instagram, I see the face of our friend Jack smiling on the back row of a group picture. His forehead featured a little bit of perspiration from roller skating, and he had one arm slung around the shoulder of an attractive girl. Typical Jack.

Jack is just hot enough to make your girlfriends jealous, and he has just enough personality to negate the fact he could occasionally be too nice. Jack is husband material. Smart, athletic, spiritual, the whole package. I have a vivid memory from my freshman year of college watching one of the hottest girls I had ever seen ask HIM out on a date.

Indoor Skydiving – she was serious. 

This guy was so cool that a younger version of me, freshly appointed as Chantelle’s new boyfriend, was a bit nervous when he hung out with her.

“Read the caption.”

My eyes dropped from Jack and company to the words down below.

“5 Months ago, I met Alexis. I never would have thought that this picture right here would have been the most life changing photo I have ever taken. This picture was taken moments after I met the love of my life, and now I get to marry him!”

Him?

My eyes darted back up to the photo. Standing in the back row of about 15 people, Jack had one arm around a girl…and the other around a tall man with dark hair and a well trimmed beard.

“Oh and by the way, I met my man at church.”

I swiped to the next photo to reveal that well trimmed beard proposing to my man Jack on the beach. Alexis was in fact, a dude.

The caption went on to say that he still had plans to keep loving Jesus and attend the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He bore his testimony and said that he had wrestled for years with his feelings. He had tried everything, from dating attractive girls to “Praying the Gay Away”. But it wasn’t until he met Alexis that he decided to take his feelings for a test spin.

Mind reeling, I sat up stunned. Jack? The guy that was a total lady magnet and devout Latter-Day Saint? The guy that was a total spiritual giant and advocate for the Gospel of Jesus Christ?

Jack coming out was a big enough shock, but Jack coming out AND stating he was going to stay in the Church? He knows the Church of Jesus Christ’s beliefs on traditional marriage between a man and a woman. I knew Jack as one of the greatest examples and devout members of the Church, but how would his attempt to straddle the line even work?

So what did I do? The best thing I could possibly do to get a hold of my bearings:

Call my favorite, gay, ex-mission companion. I had to get his take on this dilemma. I had to get his take on this dilemma because he has a wonderful ability to be honest and straightforward with me. (Putting me in my place more than once.)

Over the course of the year, Jack slowly stopped talking about Christ, slowly stopped attending church, and ended up deleting his social media accounts altogether. Jack has retreated from contact, but my gay ex-mission companion helped me understand a bit more of what he might be going through – slowly being driven away from guilt and pressure.

I have plenty of friends who left the Church before Jack did. But this specific Instagram incident seemed like it started a massive wave. Everyone out of the pool!

The following month, Instagram had an anonymous Q&A trend that led to friends asking friends if they were still active in the Church. I watched a state away as a big ol’ chunk of Utah friends started renouncing the Church and declaring their new path forward. Co-workers started bringing in coffee mugs. My uncle decided he was done.

Ever since the day Jack came out I have been watching and slowly collecting thoughts on friends and family leaving the Church. This piece isn’t about homosexuality, or about whether or not there is spirituality to gain by leaving the Church. This is about the questions that have come to my mind as I’ve watched everything unfold over the past couple years. 

I will eventually address all these questions in future posts, but that last question has been my biggest question over the past couple months.

For some reason, I feel there has been a lot of tension between me and my friends/acquaintances. I am quite publicly religious, and everyone seems to believe that I (and everyone in the Church) would hate them for leaving. But in my experience, these are my family and friends! These are people that I care about and will continue to care about no matter what choices they make in life.

But without a doubt, this is a complex situation. Deeply complex. As much as we would like to simplify these situations, there is no perfect way to address them other than individually on a case by case basis. However, there seems to be a few trends that remain relatively consistent.

Where does the tension come from?

In my observation – every single family member or friend that leaves the church has to go through some tension with their religious family and friends. The tension comes from the clash of two feelings:

1. My side of the story (Religious): “I want my friends to experience the same peace and happiness that I have found through following the principles outlined in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.”

2. The other side of the story: “I had bad experiences and/or disagree with the principles of the church – but I still have to deal with the disappointment that seeps out of every parent or friend when I tell them I’m leaving.”

Both sides have their reasons for being so vocal, and both sides can be logically justified. I believe the majority of negative feelings between the two parties come from the dissonance between these two viewpoints and the lack of communication that often comes with it.

Almost 40% of 18-29 year-olds are unaffiliated with any religion. (See source 1) This is double the amount of their parents when they were young!  My generation isn’t quite as extreme, but around 30% of Millennials from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints are stating that they are unaffiliated with religion. (See source 2) In addition, here’s the real kicker: This study by PEW Research Center suggests that not only are Millennials leaving religion, but they are less likely than older generations to return to organized religion. (See source 3)

The trends certainly make it look like we are going to continue to have more friends and family leave the church, and they may or may not choose to come back. So how do I approach this situation?  I am a steadfast believer in Jesus Christ that has found a lot of value in religion.  Yet, I now consistently have to interact with those who no longer believe that the Church is worth their time and effort.

I recognize that I am going to be in this situation more than I would like, so I wanted to focus on what I can do personally as a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints watching friends and family leave the Church in droves.

Why do my friends leave the Church?

There are many different personal reasons for leaving the church. For that reason there is no better way to address each situation than individually–with a lot of listening and prayer. However, every individual must reach a breaking point before leaving the Church:

That breaking point is when they lose faith in the Church and its teachings.

Faith is one of the biggest hang ups because it’s where asphalt turns into a dirt road. Faith requires so much trust that God has the reins. Is He truly an all-knowing being? Does He know what to do with HIS church? Does He know better than you what you need to change in your life to achieve greater happiness? Does He operate on this Earth through Prophets?

Every one of these questions is terrifying. Especially when there is an entire world’s worth of media telling you that God is NOT an all-knowing being. In addition, your view of God may become cloudy if negative feelings are created by people within the Church Organization. There may be a feeling of forced obedience, suppression of expression, or disdain for Church leaders. Why would God choose to operate covertly? How can He allow suffering and injustice? 

Incomplete answers will not satiate the doubtful heart unless faith is exercised. Remember that even those that leave the Church are exercising faith – it is just faith in another belief system.

• Ashly Stone (@come.back.podcast)

“Faith is to hope for things which are not seen, but which are true.” (Heb. 11:1; Alma 32:21.) The best part about faith is that you can discover if things are true through action. We have faith that gravity exists through a whole lot of testing, and the same goes for Jesus Christ.

Everyone has to lose faith in the Church before leaving, and it can be difficult to accept that we cannot give faith to our friends. This leads us to the next question:

I care about my friends, but I believe they are missing out on complete peace and happiness. What do I do?

Like it or not, there is often a palpable feeling of disappointment that oozes out of family and friends upon discovering their son/daughter/friend/neighbor/etc. is leaving the church. This is a massive cause of alienation between those of our faith and those who choose to leave it. How can you not make someone feel bad when you actually are worried and disappointed? It’s not like you can turn off that gut reaction.

When everyone started leaving the church, I had to check my understanding of agency. Do I believe they are allowed to make those decisions?

The most concrete reaction I discovered I could turn on was my channel of communication. I have control over honestly approaching a friend or sibling and saying:

Our friends don’t have to like the church. But I do wish for them to feel the positivity that comes from living the principles taught by Jesus Christ. Nothing is more difficult than seeing the people closest to us get hurt, but this is an individual test. When I speak with honesty and let the communication flow both ways – I have always been awarded respect. Force-feeding spirituality to friends causes them to check out and leave without the receipt.

Actionable Steps I have tried:

1. Study Agency

2. Openly Communicate with friends or family members that I am still learning how best to navigate the spiritual side of the relationship, and want their input.

3. Exercise faith that God has a plan for me AND for my family and friends.

Why is everyone so dang concerned with the history of the Church?

There is a time and place to fight the church history battle with logic and rhetoric, but most of us are not the hero chosen to do so.

Some of my friends have been malicious in their attempt to tear down the church, but there have been many that genuinely have questions! Who was Joseph Smith? Why do so many people share disturbing stories about his life? How could I follow a Church that does not seem totally secure in its foundation?

Check out these verses from the Bible that talk about the divisiveness of Christ:

Joseph Smith is a polarizing figure. I have had to approach his history the same way I have approached Christ’s story. There is going to be a whole lot of conflicting evidence, some lies, some truths. Many people hate organized religion, this notion of Christ, and the division he causes among people. (Because yes indeed, religion can cause division!) My decision has been to be very thoughtful and slow in my decision making process, continue asking questions, and continue to focus on the fact that this Church continues to deliver on the promise of making me a better person. Until I have better clarity around the many different questions surrounding Church History, I will choose faith.

Questions about Church History have and will undoubtedly continue to come up in my discussions with friends. The topic of Church History is prone to contention, and I am wary about making my friends feel worse for their questions. They have the right to question, but I do believe that they are getting caught up in something that the adversary has designed to act like sticky tar.

I am incomplete in my research of Church History, but I am a nut for self-improvement. To this day I have found no self-help author, religion, or philosophy that provides as clear of a roadmap to happiness and personal growth as the Church of Jesus Christ and the Book of Mormon. I choose to approach the topic of Church History with optimism and faith because of the overwhelmingly positive long-term benefits I receive from this Church.

Joseph Smith and the Church of Jesus Christ are just contributors to the roadmap to perfection. It is important to remember that Christ himself is the only one that can help cement the change in character I seek. 

Actionable Steps I have tried:

1. Read Saints–try to have a less blind view of the Church’s History.

2. List what benefits I receive when I follow the principles of the Church and the Prophet’s guidance in faith and with exactness.

3. Exercise faith that there are answers to all of my questions and then seek those answers through sincere study, prayer and patience.

If the Church’s people and policies are imperfect, why stay?

So back to the original tension point at hand. Many of my friends believe that the benefits gained from the Church of Jesus Christ do not outway the imperfect nature of the organization. 

I have had to offer a word of caution to friends who start to listen to other’s opinions that organized religion leads to pain and frustration.

A quick analogy that I believe illustrates my word of caution: Do I believe that basketball leads to pain, lost time, and frustration because my friend says it does? No, I don’t. But on the surface those statements certainly can appear true about basketball.

Years of intentional practice, sore muscles and sacrifices can lead to a rewarding experience with basketball. Greater discipline and a clear view of the benefits gained through basketball come from a lot of hard work and reflection. Above all, the hardest pill I have had to swallow is the fact that half-heartedly attempting to practice free-throws once a month won’t get me very far.

Note that there is a massive amount of room for the statement “I understand why basketball is great, but it’s not for me.” And that is ok.

Just make sure that instead of basketball you’re out lifting weights or playing football. Because I believe that many many people are choosing to leave the game of basketball behind for the sake of being an angry fan doing nothing on the couch.

I don’t believe that the majority of my church-questioning friends have devolved to angry fans just yet. Rather, I consider many of them players on the court that are questioning whether or not they want the benefits of organized sport (or organized religion.) I have observed how quickly some people get out of shape after leaving organized sport, and I know I personally benefit from the structure of routine exercise.

There are no get-good quick schemes for anything worthwhile. The best thing I can do as a friend is have discussions about what I have personally gained from the Church and how the imperfect organization provides the best possible road map to happiness and fulfillment.

There is a reason the Church requires so much of us — and that is because hard work is exactly what it takes to have a happy and fulfilled life. All of the rules found within the organization are direct trade-offs to greater happiness, peace, and fulfillment. In basketball, you may hate practicing free throws, but you will have to trust your coach that working every day will benefit your game significantly. The same is true of life.

Share your experiences with your friends. Share them earnestly, and share them often. Share your wins and your losses, and, above all, bring the spirit when you do. From that point on it’s all up to them to choose for themselves what they want out of life.

What is the prerequisite to sharing your experience?

Sharing your personal experiences with friends is one of the best things you can do to help your friends that are struggling with the Church and its teachings. But there is one primary prerequisite that ensures a level of respect flowing both ways when you discuss difficult gospel topics:

Have enough trust built up with your friends to give each other the benefit of the doubt and allow each other to work through difficult conversations. 

I have worked hard to define why I have chosen to stay in the Church, but I am only able to share my reasoning with those that respect me enough to be my close friend. 

In addition, the same goes for mass communication. The only people that would click through to read an article like this are those who respect me enough to have a conversation.

Unfortunately, I don’t think Jack is going to be the last of my friends leaving the Church. My experience watching my friend Jack choose a different path has been painful because I wasn’t close enough to him to know that he had questions about a whole range of topics. 

I know that when I treat my friends with dignity and stand my ground where necessary, nothing but respect comes of it. If I keep up real positive relationships with my family and friends – only then will I eventually have the privilege of answering some pointed questions.

Independent of our opinions, friends and family have to choose to trust in Christ and allow him to bless and change their lives. 

I am doing my best to be able to clearly define what it is that keeps me coming back to the Church, and this has helped me have productive, interesting, and fun conversations with questioning friends. (Rather than the contentious arguing that comes from the desire to prove someone wrong.)

I believe that deep conversations about hard questions are the best thing we can do for friends and family leaving the church. 

Sources:

1 https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/are-white-evangelicals-sacrificing-the-future-in-search-of-the-past/

2 https://kutv.com/news/local/losing-their-religion-millennials-including-utahns-leaving-church

3 http://www.pewforum.org/religious-landscape-study/

Studies from PEW Research

"The Changing Religious Landscape: Christians Decline Sharply as Share of Population; Unaffiliated and Other Faiths Continue to Grow," Pew Research Center, May 12, 2015, https://www.pewforum.org/2015/05/12/americas-changing-religious-landscape/

"Why Americans Are Leaving Religion and How Their Departure Affects Politics," Pew Research Center, April 3, 2019, https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2019/04/03/why-americans-are-leaving-religion-and-how-their-departure-affects-politics/